Without You
by VeraN
Summary: COMPLETE! Added the last 3 chaptersA fic where Jo and PJ get closer than they have ever been before then something rips them apart. Please R&R, Thankyou for all the people that have already, but please keep on doing it!
1. Tragedy strikes

Like a freeze-dried rose

You will never be

What you were

What you were to me,

Your memory

Jo just stood there. She couldn't believe that this was happening. She was in a state of shock. It should have been her there, but it wasn't. And so close to everything that PJ was looking forward to, especially the wedding.

She couldn't get over the sight of PJ lying in a coffin, and she just stood over him, sobbing, wishing she could hold him just once more, for just a little longer, feel his love and warmth once again. But he wasn't warm anymore. He would never be warm again, he would always be cold, lying in the hard and harsh ground.

"It shouldn't have turned out like this," she cried, "It should be me there honey, I wish it was me" she added as an afterthought. She shook and shook, absorbed in her own pain, tears dropping down, off her face and onto her blood stained clothes. She couldn't bear to take off the clothes, because that was the last connection she had to PJ, the only way she could be close to what he used to be, instead of being close to what he is now, just a corpse.

That was what it was, just a corpse, it wasn't even PJ anymore. It would never house PJ's spirit, would never be the home to his soul, the body would never again have a working heart or lungs or brain, all the things that make you alive and human. It would never hold love for her anymore either.

And the corpse was just lying there, and as Jo just stared at it, all the memories came flooding back. Jo could remember so little of it, but she kept on having flashbacks, and every time she had another flashback, she would remember one more tiny detail, like what he had smelt like, or what his lips had tasted like.

Eventually Jo had a full recollection of the accident, but she couldn't bear to think about it, and every time she saw it she shuddered more, got even colder, more tears fell down her face, and she always felt alone. She would always be alone from now on, because she knew that she could never be with someone else and feel like she once did for PJ, partly because she would never lose her love for him, but also because she couldn't ever imagine replacing him. No one could be as good as PJ was to her.

She stood there, over the coffin in her blood-stained clothes until Amy, who Jo guessed was PJ's replacement, came and told her to get some sleep.

How thoughtless, Jo thought, Amy was already there, and she was a detective, so Jo guessed that she was PJ's replacement of sorts.

At home it felt so empty, like the house could never be a home again. There would never be her one great true love waiting for her on the couch when she got home, and greeting her with a massive bear hug, or lying next to her in the bed, like a human hot water bottle. PJ could never make her a morning coffee again, just so she could wake up and function properly, or they could never shower together and start making out in the shower and finish it in the bed.

As Jo thought about all this, she just sank into the corner of the room, and sat there, shaking and shivering all night. She didn't worry about getting food from the kitchen, because she would remember PJ's smiling face like it used to greet her early in the morning. She didn't have a shower, because PJ was not there, and the shower all of a sudden just looked too big for one person, and she definitely did not change her clothes, because PJ could still be with her if she was still wearing them.

Then she burst into tears.

Jo didn't sleep all night, all she had were thoughts of PJ, and what he used to be. He was running around her mind all night, like as if he was still there, and was trying to imprint his footprints all over her mind, so he could be everywhere.

But even with that, Jo still felt empty, she still had an empty mind, without PJ to fill it with crazy thoughts, interesting information and amazing anecdotes. She still had an empty house, because Ben had left a month ago, and PJ thought they wouldn't need someone to move in with them, because they would always be together. The house still had PJ's spirit, sure, but he would never be there again. H e wouldn't inhabit it again.

But most of all, Joanna had an empty heart. And it would always be empty, never to be full again. She doubted whether she could ever love or trust anyone again. PJ had left her to fend for herself, she knew that, but he left her without a heart, without all those cherished memories that she could hold dear. Of course, she could still remember PJ, but her heart couldn't. It was like he had been gone for years already.

She just wished she could go back to before he went away, and make it all right again.


	2. The Second Day

If things get real for me down here,

Promise to take me to before you went away,

If only for a day.

If things get real for me down here,

Promise to take me back to the tune we played

Before you went away

"What are you doing Peej? Where are you taking me?" Jo asked, with a hint of excitement in her voice, just like a child on Christmas morning as he put a blindfold around her eyes. She got of the bed and tried to get it off her face, but PJ grabbed her hands and put them around her back, and told her to leave them there. Then he kissed her on the neck, and swept away her curly blonde locks off her face, as they were falling down on it, and tied them up in a ponytail.

"I'll tell you in a second" he answered her question, avoiding telling her the truth, "But first…" he trailed off. Then he swept her off her feet and carried her out to his car, where he opened the door and placed her carefully on the front seat, as if she was made out of gold. He walked around to the other side and got in the car, but all Jo could hear was the slamming of car doors.

"PJ, what are you doing? She insisted. Jo needed to know what was going on, she hated not knowing, because she was a control freak.

"Do you trust me?" the handsome detective asked, with a slight cheeky grin on his face. Jo knew it was a rhetorical question, and so did PJ, but she answered anyway.

"Of course I do" she said, feeling love sweep into her heart, and warmth fill her body, like a warm newly risen sun shining over the dewy ground on a winters morning.

"OK" PJ said. Then he started the car, and drove out of the driveway and onto the road.

And if I listen to,

The Sound Of White,

Sometimes I hear your smile,

And breathe your light,

Yeah, if I listen to the Sound Of White…

Jo got up, and like a robot, walked straight out the door, without any thought about what she was doing. She walked aimlessly around Mount Thomas, as if in a drunken stupor, not even knowing where she was going, or what he was going to do when she got there. All she knew was that if she walked, the pain that was weighing her down might lift itself from her body, and she could feel free again.

People stared at her, probably because she was wearing blood-stained clothes, and walking around looking as if she had just killed someone, but she didn't care.

The residents of Mount Thomas just stared at their Senior Constable, walking about, but no one was game enough to go up to her and talk to her.

She eventually decided where she could go, and she went to the only place it seemed logical to go to. But logic failed her, once again. Logic always seemed to fail her.

As she walked in, she felt all the memories rushing back, and deciding that she would rather not feel at all, left again.


	3. Memory

If things get real for me down here,

Promise to take me to before you went away,

If only for a day.

If things get real for me down here,

Promise to take me back to the tune we played

Before you went away

Half an hour later, PJ pulled off the side of the road, into a beautiful park. The trees were all big willow trees, falling over the river, which gurgled all the way down to the mini waterfall, that had rocks above it, and beautiful wildflowers growing on the banks. He got out, walked around to the other side of the car, picked Jo up, carried her to the edge of the waterfall, stood her on her feet and got down on his knees on the rocks, all ready for the big moment.

"Hey Joey, you can take off the blindfold now" he told her, feeling incredibly nervous about what he was about to do.

Jo smiled a smile that could light up the darkest room, and chuckled. She thought she knew where she was, because she could hear the gurgling and rushing of water, but she was mistaken.

"Peej, seriously, what are we doing here? I am supposed to be at work" she exclaimed while reaching up to undo her blindfold.

"Don't you worry about that, I sorted it out with Ben before." Typical Jo, he thought. She cares far too much about that thing she likes to call work, he thought, which brought a smile to his face, because he cared about work too. But right now, he thought, he wouldn't miss out on doing this, this exact moment, for the world.

As Jo undid her blindfold, PJ took in a deep breath and plucked up all the courage he could manage to fit into his body.

My silence solidifies,

Until that hollow void erases you

Erases you so I can't feel at all.

But if I never feel again,

At least that nothingness will end

The painful dream,

Of you and me.

Jo felt so ashamed, but she didn't know why. All she knew is that he died because of her, and because of that, the shame would never leave her. She was destined to carry it around on her back until the world caved in and nothing else existed. "Until the end of the earth", she heard PJ whisper in his soft caring voice.

She began to ponder all the thoughts inside her head. What if she had said something different, or taken a different route, taken more time to hug PJ for that last time. Would things be any different now? Would that bring PJ back?

Of course it wouldn't. Snap out of it, she thought, disgusted that she could even think about it. What has happened has happened, and it was obviously meant to turn out this way.

If she could turn back time, she would take all those things away, so she could live without regrets, but living without regrets is so hard, and only the strongest people can do it, she thought to herself. And I am anything but strong.

She walked back into Mount Thomas, but as soon as she got within the confines of the town, she felt completely sick, and, once again, turned her back on Mount Thomas, just like it had turned it's back on her just a few days ago.

But as she walked back down that road again, she felt a sharp pain in her stomach, and fell onto the ground, writhing in agony.

Then she fell into a deep state of unconsciousness.


	4. No one knows

I knelt before

Some strangers face,

I'd never had the courage or belief

to trust this place

But I dropped my head,

Coz it felt like lead

And I'm sure I felt your fingers through my hair…

"Do you think she'll be alright?" Jo heard someone ask apprehensively before she had the courage to open her eyes and face what was in front of them.

Her eyelids fluttered with the pure difficulty of opening them, but when she heard someone gasp and hold her hand, she felt the strength. It was a soft hand, one with smallish knuckles and long fingers, but was clammy and sweaty. It felt like PJ's hand, and Jo opened her eyes, just in case it was, just in case he was still there and the past few days had been a horrible nightmare. But, the feeling of disappointment she knew all too well swept back over her body, taking the place of hope, optimism, prospect, expectancy, longing and any other feeling that had managed to creep its way in there.

The one person that Jo thought and felt still stood behind her was right there, holding her hand and gazing into the pools of blue that were her eyes.

"Oh, honey, I've been so worried about you." Susie exclaimed with relief that she was alright.

"Huh? Where am I? What am I doing here?" Jo demanded in an uncharacteristically harsh tone that made Susie jump away slightly.

"You were walking on the road, away from Mount Thomas, and you collapsed. You are lucky someone found you when they did, and they brought you here to the hospital. They did some tests and…" she trailed off as the nurse walked in.

What?" she asked with a worried look.

"Ah, finally awake are we?" The nurse asked in a sarcastic but gentle tone.

"You did some tests and?" Jo wanted to know what happened.

"Well, we conducted a few tests to see why you collapsed and we found a special little someone growing inside of you." She informed Jo.

"What, you mean…?" she trailed off.

"You're pregnant Jo. And unless there is something you're not telling me, we will have a little PJ running around in the world in no time" she said, looking excited at the thought that PJ would be back again, like he had just been on a holiday.

Jo turned completely white as a ghost and passed out again, but Susie ran to get some ice and ran it over her face and down her back.

When she returned to the land of the living, she noticed she wasn't wearing her own clothes, she was wearing a hospital gown. Her last connection to PJ had faded just when she realised that another one had appeared.

She realised that she didn't need to hang onto the clothes that PJ's blood had been on, because she now had something so much more precious that she could hang onto with all her strength.

Outside she smiled at the thought, but turned dark inside when she realised she would be raising a child without their father. What a life, she thought to herself, hiding her real feelings from Susie and the nurse.

Inside she felt a void, there was nothing there anymore, it had all been leeched out of her, no emotions, no thoughts, no feelings, no concept or grasp of reality, but for some reason she like it that way.

If things get real for me down here,

Promise to take me to before you went away,

If only for a day.

If things get real for me down here,

Promise to take me back to the tune we played

Before you went away

"Hey Jo" Pj said as soon as Jo had taken off her blindfold.

"What? Where am I?" she asked, astounded at the beauty of the place.

"Well, you are at the spot where I am going to tell you I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." PJ smiled.

"Oh" Jo whispered. "I love you too, and I always have wanted to spend my life with you."

"That's good to know. Makes what I am going to do all the easier. Joanna, my darling. I love you so much, more than any words could say. Words could not tell you what I feel, I love you too much. Which is why I want to know whether you would like to marry me and spend the rest of your life with me." He gushed, showing her a ring.

Jo was awe stricken. She could not say anything, even though she thought it might have been coming.

"Oh PJ," she tried to say, but it came out as a sob. "Of course I will. I love you" she said, with tears streaming down her face as she gazed into his eyes.

He stood up and kissed her on the lips, just as he put a ring on her finger. The ring wasn't anything special, it was a white gold band, with one very small diamond in the middle, but to Jo it was perfect. It resembled everything that she loved, and everything she had always wanted.

Then PJ walked back to the car, leaving Jo standing there. He opened the boot and got out a basket and a rug, and Jo came over and joined him. He walked into the middle of a clump of trees, and, without saying anything, he laid the mat down and they both sat down staring into each others eyes.

"I love you"


	5. Follow Through

But I will fight for you

Be sure that I will fight

Until were the special two

Once again…

And we will only need each other

We'll bleed together

Our hands will not be taught

To hold anothers

Cos were the special two

Jo lay on her bed, stroking her ring. Susie walked in and noticed her doing that.

"You miss him, don't you" Susie said, annoyed that she had said something so completely obvious.

"Yeah, like nothing else. Words can't describe it. It makes me think… you know, when Brad got shot" Jo started to break down

"That is how I felt" Susie said, tears slipping down her face. Susie embraced Jo tightly, giving the illusion that they would never let go of each other.

"How did you get through?" Jo asked, wanting to know so she could be like Susie.

"I don't know, I just did." she replied, now sobbing uncontrollably. "And you will too" she added.

"I'll always love him" Jo whispered softly. "Until the end of the earth"

When you're young

You have this image of your life

And you be scrupulous and

One day, even make a wife

And you make boundaries

You'd never dream to cross

And If you happen to

You'll wake, completely lost

Two and a half hours later, Jo and PJ were both stuffed full to the brim, not knowing what to do next.

"I can't believe this is actually happening. What is going to happen next?" Jo queried.

"I don't know, it shouldn't matter. All that matters right now is that we are two people who love each other so much, and we are going to spend our lives together. Nothing can bring us apart now." PJ said, in a certain tone.

PJ reached around her stomach and pulled her in so she was sitting in the v shape made by his legs.

"Mmm" Jo murmured as he leaned towards her for another kiss.

Then all of a sudden, PJ's watch alarm went off.

"Oh god, time for me to go back to work" PJ cursed at them watch's seemingly impeccable timing. Somehow that little brat of a watch always seemed to interrupt something. Usually it was his sleep, but occasionally it would be something a little more important.

PJ stood up and Jo followed his lead. Silently they both packed up the rug and the remainder of food and drink they had spread out over it.

It was almost as if they had a telepathic connection now that they were engaged. No words were said, but when they looked at each other they knew what the other person was thinking. They needn't say anything and they both just got in the car shut the doors.

They looked at each other just before PJ started the car again, and Jo mouthed just one tiny sentence that would haunt her forever from now on.

"We will be together forever."

PJ answered Jo's statement with ease, and responded with, "Until the end of the earth"

They thought that nothing could separate them now, for their love was so strong that even the strongest scissors or the biggest bomb blast in the world could not break apart what they had together.


	6. Questions

Step outside my minds eyes,

For a minute

And I look over me

Like a doctor looking for disease,

Or something that could ease the pain

But nothing cures the hurt you,

You bring on by yourself

Just remembering, just remembering,

How we were.

"How will I survive?" Jo asked the person who was unfortunate enough to be waiting outside her hospital room just at that time.

The person glanced in and walked in the door.

"Whatever do you mean?" asked the person inquisitively.

Jo was a bit hesitant to talk to this random person, but it didn't really seem to matter to her. The person walked in of their own free will, so they obviously had nothing better to do.

"I mean" Jo sighed, "How will I survive? I have a kid growing inside of me and no father around."

"I dunno honey. It seems an awful lot for someone to have to deal with. I guess the most important thing anyone ever said to me was that if you believe that you can do it you can do it." She said.

After answering, she pondered the answer for a while and then came out with it "You don't need the father here in body, as long as he is here in spirit, and you raise that kid like he would have expected. You do the best you can to let that little child know what their father was like, and how much you loved him. You never forget about him, and neither will the child, even if they haven't met him. You raise that child the best that you can and no one will ever look down upon you for that"

Jo thought for a while, then the answer seemed to finally kick into her system, and she looked happy again. She contemplated what life would be like for her and her little being in the world without PJ.

The child would not know who their daddy is. They would never meet him, and the most important man in their life could never hold them. He could never tuck them in at night or watch them sleeping innocently in the morning before their alarm clock woke them up.

But all of that didn't really matter to Jo any more, because she had someone important in her life now. She would have a kid to raise as her's and PJ's, even if PJ wasn't there and the child never met him.

The important thing, she decided for herself, was that she had the child and loved it all the same. No matter what was going on, in her work, her personal or private life, she would love that child and cherish it and never hurt it.

Because their love for each other would always last. The unborn child, the child that was growing inside her stomach right at this moment would serve as a lasting reminder of what they had together and the love they only knew for each other.


	7. The Truck

In a perfect world,  
This would not be happening  
In a perfect world,  
You'd still be here  
No it makes no sense,  
If I could just pick up the pieces  
But to you  
This means nothing,  
Nothing at all

"If I do nothing but be with you for the rest of my life, I'll be happy" PJ told Jo when they were driving back to the station for him to go to work.  
He was watching Jo with every muscle in his body, not just his eyes. He was watching her with all of his being, all of his life, knowing that even though he hadn't made it down the aisle to Maggie, he would with Jo, and he would be forever happy.  
"I don't know what I would do without you" Jo told PJ. "I wouldn't be the same person" br "Neither. I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you are the one who saved me. If you hadn't come along, I would never have gotten over Maggie, and now, thanks to you, I have moved on. I do think about her, of course I do, but only as a memory. She's not the one I'm marrying" PJ replied hesitantly, for he didn't know how Jo would react to this.  
Jo smiled at him and gave him a knowing look.  
She knew what he had been thinking these last few days, and how torn he had been between her and Maggie, but she also knew that Maggie was PJ's past, and she was his future.  
PJ smiled and looked at Jo so intently, so full of love, so full of everything he had, he was giving it to her. He was looking so hard at Jo that he did not realise that a truck was coming up, over the hill on the other side of the road.  
He also did not realise that he seemed to be veering over to the other side of the road, the wrong side of the road.  
Normally his driving wouldn't have been so poor, considering he was a police officer and saw first hand the effects of poor concentration and not watching the road, but he felt like it would never happen to him. He didn't see it coming.  
But Jo did.  
"PJ" she yelled, as he got closer and closer to the truck.  
"Watch what you're doing!" she screamed at him.  
At the last second he snapped out of his trance and looked straight at the oncoming truck, realising a millisecond too late that he was in the path of a massive object, coming straight his way.

I open my eyes, I try to see  
But I'm blinded by the white light  
I can't remember how, I can't remember why,  
I'm lying here tonight  
And I can't stand the pain  
And I can't make it go away  
No I can't stand the pain.

He swerved the car out of the way of the truck, but it was too late, and he yelled and looked straight at Jo. He covered Jo with his arms as though he was trying to protect her from the truck, even though he knew it wouldn't save him, and probably wouldn't save her.  
Jo stared at him, and realised how much love he actually had, all for her. It filled up his entire body, not just his heart, plus the room he was in, and even seeped out into the universe, so that eventually it would be full of his love for her.  
He loved her so much that he would have killed himself just to let her live.  
The truck stopped fully, a joint effort of both the driver slamming on the brakes and the car ramming into it. The noise of the collision made Jo completely deaf to everything around her, and she only had eyes for one thing.  
PJ was lying on the seat next to her, completely covered in blood, and not moving anything but his eyes, which were looking straight at Jo, moving from one eye to another. Just looking at Jo seemed to take up all his energy, as though it was coming out through his eyes when he stared into hers.  
It reminded her of her early days in Mount Thomas, when a bus overturned on the highway and Jack's friend Molly was in there, dieing. It seemed so similar, but it was still so different. PJ and Jo actually were getting married, and they really did love one another, in equal amounts.  
Jo had only minor cuts on her forehead and arms and legs, nothing like what PJ had. More blood was pouring out of him by the second, and Jo realised that he probably wouldn't live for much longer.  
She smiled and thought of PJ just before the truck had come over the hill. Then she knew that he would never be like that again. Tears fell down her face and fell into her nose and mouth, and down off her chin onto her shirt, being absorbed in her jacket.  
Jo leaned over and embraced him, breathing in his smell, a mix of the dodgy aftershave he used and leather of the car and his jacket and of his own home. She loved that smell, and she always would.  
Blood poured out all over her and her shirt, but she didn't care. All she cared about was PJ.


	8. Chapter 8

How could this happen to me?

I've made my mistakes,

Got nowhere to run

As the night goes on

As I'm fading away,

I'm sick of this life,

I just wanna scream

Blood was going everywhere in the car. Jo thought that if she could just stop the bleeding, that she might be able to save him. Save his life, so they could live in happiness together, forever more.

What Jo didn't realise was just how much blood there actually was. It was coming from everywhere. PJ had multiple wounds, all over his body, although the worst was his face, where a giant cut had appeared from the top of his forehead diagonally down towards his other eye.

She looked at PJ's unconscious body, with disappointment, as though she knew, she knew what was coming, and what would happen after that.

Jo didn't even think of getting out of the car to phone for help, but then she realised that the radio was in there with her. She grabbed it but when she tried to use it it fuzzed and emitted funny coloured steam from its speaker. Not a good sign, so Jo decided to leave that idea. It must have been damaged in the crash, and there was no hope anyway.

As she looked at PJ she noticed little signs of life. He had drool coming from his mouth, in little spit bubbles, and his chest was moving in the slightest amounts. She smiled and started talking to him, slowly at first, but as he started showing more and more signs of life, she started talking faster and getting more excited.

He opened his eyes with great difficulty, and stared straight into Jo's bright shining eyes. He slowly looked down, and outside, at the truck, which was a little mangled, but not too much. He looked at Jo, with a meaningful look of understanding. He understood what happened, and what was happening. He realised that he probably wouldn't be on this earth for very much longer.

He was going to die, and nothing could save him.

He reached for Jo's hand, and they sat in the mangled car in silence, PJ not having enough energy to move or speak.

They could both feel the life seeping out of PJ, and they both knew he didn't have much time left.

His chest was heaving with the effort of breathing and he couldn't even see anything properly anymore. He shut his eyes, as the light was making them hurt, and for the last time he opened them, to look at his beautiful fiancee.

"You know I love you Joey." He said, with a heavy heart.

"I love you more than you could ever know Peej." She replied softly. "I love you forever and ever, and it'll never end" she sobbed.

"I'll love you always" he said, as he once again shut his eyes. He knew it wold be the last time he shut them, he could feel himself slipping away, an easier and painless life waiting for him on the other side.

"Until the end of the earth" he managed to say, just before he stopped breathing and fell silent.

In the arms of an angel  
Fly away from here  
From this dark cold hotel room  
And the endlessness that you fear  
You are pulled from the wreckage  
Of your silent reverie  
You're in the arms of the angel  
May you find some comfort there

A car was coming. Jo could hear it from a mile off. Just after it reached the crest of the hill and started coming down Jo regained her senses. She let go of PJ's hand, which she had been holding since…since…well, for a while, and tried to open the car door. She couldn't open it, so she kicked out the window and jumped out of that instead.

The car was stopping anyway, but Jo felt the need to flag it down, like it wouldn't sop unless she did that.

The driver stopped the car, turned off the engine and opened the door. She looked quickly at the accident, as though making a mental image of the whole scene.

"Is everyone OK?" she asked panicking.

"Yeah, things are…great." Jo hesitated. "We haven't got a phone, do you?" She asked quickly.

"Yeah, I'll just get some help" she said quietly.

She ran back to her car and pulled out her phone from the glovebox. She looked quickly at the screen.

"I'm just going to the top of the hill, there is no reception down here." She said.

"OK" Jo mumbled under her breath.

The girl ran up the hill hurriedly, and Jo stared at her with amazement. She must have been only about 20 years old, but she was handling the situation really well, better than she was, anyway. In the few seconds that Jo had looked at her, she noticed nearly everything about her appearance, she had taken it all in. Maybe it had something to do with being a copper.

She was tall, probably about 6 foot, and had a really small frame. She had dark brown straight hair, that reached all the way down to the middle of her back. And her eyes. Her eyes were the most amazing shade of blue. Jo looked at them and saw so many things, innocence, responsibility, warmth, fear of the unknown, but most of all trust. She had a look about her, that made Jo feel at ease, she was calm instantly, nothing in her mind.

The girl, who Jo realised she didn't know the name of, was coming back down the hill, with her trusty phone in her hand. She had a look of triumph in her eyes now, but when she got back she saw it fade as she once again realised the extent of this accident.

"The ambulance's are coming. So are the police. Don't worry, you are safe now honey." She said with sincerity.

Jo's body shook all over, and she realised just how alone she felt.

The girl looked over at her, moved closer and without one word took Jo's hand and held it. She looked at Jo straight into the eyes and embraced her, to keep her warm and safe.


	9. Lone Soldier

I just wade the tides that turned  
Till I learn to leave the past behind  
It's only lies that I'm living  
It's only tears that I'm crying  
It's only you that I'm losing  
Guess I'm doing fine

Jo was, once again, walking around Mount Thomas in a stupor. But this time it wasn't aimlessly. She was walking around to all of her friends places, telling them of the time and date and place of PJ's funeral. Some of them reacted with shock, others just didn't know what to say. Some invited Jo in for coffee, but she accepted no one's invitation. All she wanted was for this nightmare to be over. She wanted to turn back the time, so she didn't have to prolong the agony of telling people what happened.

Susie had offered to come along, as "moral suport", (or so she said), as did Tom, Evan and Amy. But she accepted no one's offer, once again.

Walking along the streets of Mount Thomas, she felt like a lone soldier in a movie…doomed to be walking the streets alone forever more…

Of course, it was just a tiny bit of a cliché, but she didn't care, because that is actually what it felt like.  
So many people reacted badly. Not like Jo expected them to, but they just reacted…badly. Some blamed Jo, which really hurt, and some said that they should have gotten married earlier. How dare they say that anyway? People said that it was all Jo's fault, that he didn't deserve it. Jo just said that she was sorry, and walked away.

Normally she would stand and fight, defend herself, but she didn't have the heart. She couldn't be bothered, just left people to their own grief and misery, suffering their own sense of loss, and walked away.

She turned her back on the people who said it was her fault, and she walked away from those grieving. She didn't want to know about any of it.

She didn't want to be there anymore. Jo needed to get away.

You were always there   
Even though it seems your far away  
I miss you more than words   
I'm missin' you more every day  
Where are you in my life?   
Where's the song in my heart?  
Where's the piece of my mind?  
And strength for me to carry on

After Jo had gotten home from the hospital, after finding out she was pregnant she withdrew from the world.

The days went by, they flew by, without Jo even noticing them leaving. The sun rose and fell, the clouds moved across the ever increasingly dark sky, and the weather grew colder and colder.

Jo lay in bed, not moving, not eating and hardly taking notice of any of the days going past.

Tom came and visited her at her and PJ's house. He didn't know what to do, and he tried telling her that no mater what she did PJ would never leave her, but she couldn't be convinced. She showed no visible signs of life, and she thought that she had no reason to stay alive anyway.

The next day Susie came again, and although she tried to talk to Jo she got no decent response, just a few undignified grunts.

"Jo, what are you doing? You have got to get out and face the world one day. You can't live like this"

Susie was basically handling the funeral arrangements by herself, but she was always checking with Jo to see what she wanted.

So far the funeral was going to be on next Saturday, in Mount Thomas park. Everyone was invited, from the police station, from the town and from his past. Even Falcon Price and Monica Draper were coming. She had a celebrant hired, and Tom was going to do a speech as well as Chris. Jo was asked if she wanted to do one, but by giving no response Susie assumed that was a no.

Jo was burning up inside to do a speech, to say something at the funeral, she just didn't know what she could say, and couldn't get the energy to talk to Susie. She didn't want to talk to anyone, she was too ashamed.

Ashamed for some unknown reason. It's not like it was her fault, and PJ wouldn't have wanted her to live the rest of her life as a hermit just because of him.

Susie sat on her bed for a few more minutes then got up and left.

As soon as she left Jo jumped out of her bed, got some clothes on, even if they were dirty and went for a walk. She didn't know where she was going, or where she would end up, and she didn't care. She had some things to sort out.


	10. Living Is About Making Choices

**Part Ten, FINAL**

**Disclaimer:** Once again, I don't own anything

**Song Lyrics:** The songs used in this part are Everybody Hurts by REM, Nan's Song by Robbie Williams and Amen Omen and Alone by Ben Harper. 

**Dedication: **Who to dedicate it to? I know. I dedicate this to god, the person who put me here and gave me everything I ever needed. I know God will always be here, even when nobody else is next to me.

------

_Well, everybody hurts sometimes, __  
__Everybody cries. ___

_And everybody hurts sometimes __  
__And everybody hurts sometimes. ___

_So, hold on, hold on __  
__Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on __  
__Everybody hurts. ___

_You are not alone _

The funeral day came, and Jo sat at her window, staring out blankly at nothing in particular. She didn't want to get ready for it, somehow getting ready for the funeral and going to the funeral would make it seem real. Final. The end of an era awaited, at the end of a path. Jo felt like her whole life's path had been redirected, she was made to take a detour.

But she took the path, got ready for the funeral and went along with the funeral directors. She did everything she had to, like a robot, barely functioning in a human like manner.

People noticed, and asked what was wrong. But Jo couldn't be such a burden to them. If she were to tell them what she was thinking and feeling it would mean opening a doorway to her world. And she wanted no one in there, Jo wanted no one to be hurt be such a terrible and dark thing.

The people, one by one, started coming in through the doors. Susie joined Jo, right at her side, with their hands in each others and she squeezed them tight. 

Everyone sat down, their faces exactly the same, with an expression of pain, mourning and anguish. No one looked at Jo.

The director did his bit, but his voice was boring, so Jo sat there, not really taking any of it in. Tom stood up, said a few things, most of the time gesturing at Jo, and on the rare occasion making a few people chuckle appreciatively.

Jo was asked once again by the celebrant if she would like to say something, and just before it was too late she grasped the opportunity.

Jo had nothing planned, but she didn't care. She walked up, thinking about her life with PJ as it was, and tried to remember things from before that dreaded day. But she couldn't manage to.

"I don't know what to say" she said quietly and slowly. "PJ, the last thing I can remember we were lying in the car on a road. We were in each other's arms, the way it should be right now. But it is not. He isn't here, he is dead" she continued.

"We took the morning off work, and he made me lunch. We went to a garden, and he leant on one knee and asked if I would marry him. And I said yes" Everyone who didn't know Jo well gasped. They were so surprised.

"I collapsed after I went for a walk. Next thing I know I'm in a hospital. I have a little PJ growing inside of me. And I know this child will be the perfect image of PJ. I don't know if I can bring this baby into the world, but PJ is with me on this one. I know he is." She said, getting more confident.

"I miss him, like nothing else. Everyone knows it. One day I will see him again" she finished.

She walked to her seat, sat down and buried her face in her hands.

_Today and tommorow have become one __  
__Every single thing has become undone __  
__Human nature is a beast __  
__What I've done the most, to show I have the least ___

_Please don't leave me here __  
__Please don't leave me here __  
__Don't you leave me alone, alone _

Walking around the town, Jo saw so much despair, so much loneliness and so much pain. She would look at someone and see the hurt and suffering in their eyes. They would be walking around, just like Jo, and they would be seeing the pain and suffering in Jo's eyes.

Then she would look the other direction, towards the sun, and see beautiful little children playing with their parents on the swings with massive smiles on their faces. The parents sit on the bench after they finish swinging the children and cuddle up, with giant smiles, mirroring that of their child's.

Jo saw two massive contrasts, right next to each other. One happy, one sad, one perfect and one massively screwed up. And Jo had the choice between the two and she was choosing the latter. The hard one.

With one swift move Jo could get out of it, but instead she chooses to stay where she is, sinking further and further. Further into her own world, her own withdrawn world where nothing was sure and depression takes a hold around the neck. It strangles until you can't breathe, then lets go, so you can take that one life-saving gasp of air. Then it grabs your neck again. A never ending cycle, getting worse and worse. You lose more and more breath everytime, until one day, when you can't be bothered to keep on breathing. You just don't have the energy to take that last breath. And you die.

It was a world where Jo was heading towards, and she didn't like it. A world of depression awaited her.

Nowhere to be seen and nowhere to go, just stays where she is.

So many questions and so little answers, so much time.

Jo felt like she was drowning, drowning in a pool of emotion. More emotion than one person should be able to handle, definitely more emotion than Jo could handle.

She had to get away.

Jo had a choice to make, a life changing choice, and either way she could see what would happen. She had no idea which way to turn, or where she was headed, but no matter where she went she knew that her life would never be complete again. 

Someone would always be missing, but when he was missing she would look further up the path, and he would be there again, smiling and waving at her. Waiting for her to come and join him, in all his happiness. Free from her dark, lonely and depressed world, together at last.

Until the end of the earth.

_You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day __  
__And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way __  
__With the blink of an eye the lord came and asked you to meet __  
__You went to a better place but he stole you away from me ___

_And now she lives in heaven __  
__But I know they let her out __  
__To take care of me ___

_I miss your love I miss your touch __  
__But I'm feeling you every day __  
__And I can almost hear you say __  
__'you've come a long way baby' ___

_What started as a whisper __  
__Slowly turned into a scream __  
__Searching for an answer __  
__Where the question is unseen __  
__I don't know where you came from __  
__And I don't know where you've gone __  
__Old friends become old strangers __  
__Between the darkness and the dawn __  
__Amen omen __  
__Will I see your face again __  
__Amen omen __  
__Can I find the place within __  
__To live my life without you ___

_I still hear you saying __  
__All of life is a chance __  
__And is sweetest __  
__When at a glance __  
__But I live a hundred __  
__Lifetimes in a day __  
__But I die a little __  
__In every breath that I take ___

_Amen omen __  
__Will I see your face again __  
__Amen omen __  
__Can I find the place within __  
__To live my life without you ___

_I listen to a whisper __  
__Slowly drift away __  
__Silence is the loudest __  
__Parting word you never say __  
__I put your world __  
__Into my veins __  
__Now a voiceless sympathy __  
__Is all that remains ___

_Amen omen __  
__Will I see your face again __  
__Amen omen __  
__Can I find the place within __  
__To live my life without you _

------ 

Well, that's the end of this fic. The End!

I hope none of you minded me putting in so many songs at the end, but all of those songs mean alot to me. I was having trouble selecting just one. 

I hope you all enjoyed it, tell me your thoughts on the story line and whatever else you can think of.


End file.
